living a life...unfettered

Unanswered Questions

2010-11-22T17:45:00.004-05:00

In recent days, I have found myself resting a good many tough questions at the Big Guy's feet.

Like...why does it always seem that the folks who are always putting forth their best seemingly suffer the most?

Or...How is it that people who ONLY put out good karma in this world constantly confront the biggest difficulties?

And...how do the same "salt of the earth" folks face these challenges with dignity, strength and a grace so pure and true?

And...why do the selfish little turds always seem to come out on top...unscathed and seemingly untouched by life?

So, I pray for answers. And I keep questioning. And I pray harder.

And I remember clearly, all too clearly, that life isn't fair. It just isn't and never will be and I'm even pretty sure it's not supposed to be. And maybe, just maybe, the cliche's ring true.

Pure Poetry

2010-11-21T10:32:00.007-05:00

As we were flying home in early October I remember catching a glimpse of her busily writing away. I remember it vividly...how I smiled quietly to myself while making a concerted effort not to peer at her private words...knowing she was scribbling away some inner thoughts she would tuck away to keep for herself...even though I wanted to read them more than anything.

Fast forward to yesterday morning. I will never forget the way I felt as I was wiping away the salty tears and stumbling through those very intimate October thoughts...realizing they were about me...and I couldn't believe the gift I was receiving...wondering, even now, how I became so blessed.

Matching my pictures to her words was easy. Putting into prose my own thoughts about this magnificent young woman I am so fortunate to call my daughter who exposes my heart unlike any other....isn't so simple. But I hope I have honored her the way she has me.

Snappy apples that bite
like the breeze that fingers
her hair around smiling cheeks

Do you smell the leaves?

Leaves that float and fall
like dreams heavy with hope
and sparkling in the sun.

She's so perfectly beautiful
with her mix and jumble of colors.

Colors like spice and fire
that burn and dance
deep in her chest.

Colors like buttery
angel wings that whisper
flecks into her patient eyes.

Her laugh tumbles
from the treetops and twirls
like a song through the forest.

Tucked between the rustling
tree's ornaments you feel
the time slipping.

Feel the longing to zip the
moments up in wax paper
and never let them go.

I will always have her
picture and she will
always have my heart.

Taste and leaves and
fear and fruit will always fade
but I will always be her daughter.

A. Smith
October 2010

I love where I live.

2010-11-20T20:50:00.009-05:00

I love that I live with two remarkable teen aged girls who have made me and my special day their highest priority. Young women who are not ashamed to make me blissfully aware that I live in their hearts just as they beat inside mine.

I love that I live with a man who gets me and works diligently each year to surprise me...and after more twenty years together...still does. A man who happily bakes me chocolate peanut butter bread for breakfast and offers to submit to my every ridiculous whim.

I love that I live only minutes away from mangrove forests, ancient shell mounds and quirky fishing villages. An adopted home that permeates the very fibers of my nature loving soul making me ache with joy and wonder.

I do love where I live.

Always Trying

2010-11-15T19:36:00.003-05:00

I wish he knew just how much. I'm not sure that he has a clue. I do know that I often hang up feeling guilty, sad and confused. I choose every word carefully...too carefully sometimes since I never really share my true thoughts...because it's all too clear that they will fall on deaf ears and the eggshells are too fragile. So, I keep trying. But it's never quite right. And holiday planning seems to make the divide even wider and more obvious.

And somehow I'm made to feel it's because of my shortcomings...which I most definitely have. But, I've extended myself...time and time again...although it's never just right or even easy. I guess we all know deep down that I'm not a part of that creation...and assuming that I am isn't completely fair. So again, I try...but it's plain as day that a place isn't there for me and never really has been as I put on my best guest manners each and every time. Yet, I'm not quite ready to give up trying...and that counts for something.

“For us, there is only the trying. The rest is not our business.” ~T.S. Eliot

Catching Up

2010-11-14T19:21:00.006-05:00

I knew that time had gone by very quickly...but three months! No way! There has been a new school year to welcome, a final volleyball season to enjoy, a first swimming season to witness, homecomings, football games, and an autumn trip to our homestate...along with so many moments in-between to savor. And I truly cannot fathom where the past ninety days have gone! But, with all that said, here are just a few peeks into our recent past...

Just smile.

2010-08-07T10:59:00.014-04:00

"Some people are too tired to give you a smile. Give them one of yours. No one needs a smile so much as the one who has no more to give." ~Unknown

I remember when the kids were little and grumpy their daddy would always offer this little fact, "Did you know that it takes more muscles to frown than it does to smile...so turn that frown upside down!" And it would always get a groan, then a giggle and finally an ear splitting grin.

But, clearly they are words to live by...so, just smile!

All of these unbelievable pictures were taken by my bestest pal this summer from the Greek Isles...enjoy them with a smile on your face.

My Littlest Enigma

2010-08-06T00:01:00.001-04:00

I love that she confounds me.
And that I never know quite what to expect from her.
She's goofy and sweet and thoughtful...in her own unique way.
And when she returned from Europe... she was a mystery to me yet again.
Because it was instantly obvious to a mother's ever observant eye.
She had changed, been altered and was impacted...creating another layer.
I love that she is always surprising me.

on beauty

2010-08-05T12:59:00.006-04:00

At the age of seventeen I wouldn't dare leave the house without my make-up on...it gave me confidence and a shield from which to hide behind.

Not my girl...her fresh-faced approach to life is something to be admired. She doesn't need that false sense of security...instead she relishes the opportunity to shed the mask and expose herself freely and it makes her exquisite in so many ways.

"Taking joy in living is a woman's best cosmetic." ~Rosalind Russell

One Human Family

2010-08-03T11:17:00.005-04:00

The southernmost tip of Florida is a place unlike any other. It's a place where three-piece suits and designer wear are shed for broken-in sandals and baggy tees. And I love it...everything about it.

We haven't taken the girls there since they were little and we limited our visit to the Conch Train Tour...and although the historian in me loved the rehearsed monologue and safety those seats offered my little girls...they're grown wiser, more adventurous and capable of witnessing this wacky little world with intelligent eyes.

But I must say...spending time together while touring around on scooters was a highlight of our weekend... because it's a place where love is love and nature abounds in the form of gorgeous sunsets and runaway roosters. But above all else, the abundant acceptance and tolerance all around help me to remember we are truly one human family.

Philosophy 101

2010-07-27T08:40:00.007-04:00

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." ~Plato

The words are printed on a tiny little card from a set that I discovered in a clearance bin...at all places...Starbucks. When I peeled back the perforated flap to reveal this little nugget, that was first uttered eons ago, it brought a grin to my lips. Reading those straightforward words, which get to the heart of it so easily, propels me into action...to bring them to fruition.

Because their timelessness tells me just how true they most certainly are...in our day to day existence we never really know what the young woman checking out our groceries might be dealing with at that very moment...but a kind smile could bring light to her life. The simple kindness of holding the door for that grumpy little gray haired gal at the bookstore could ease her burden...whatever it might be. Or in Alissa's case adding those words to her Face book status might bring a ray of hope to someone it bumps into them along their route on the technology superhighway.

I just know it's worth the effort.

Cupcakes, homemade popcorn and so much more...

2010-07-24T06:00:00.000-04:00

Just the other night when he had a softball game in less than twenty minutes (and if you know him...you know he hates being late more than ANYTHING...he thinks it's rude)this man of ours heard and satisfied the request, "Dad, can I have one of your special grilled cheese sandwiches?" with a "sure, babe...two slices or three?"

And when one of the girls mentioned that she was craving cupcakes he quietly rummaged around the cupboard and started whipping up a batch. "But dad, we don't have any canned frosting!" To which he replied..."it won't take but a minute to whip up some of my own." And when he was finished the cupcakes were arranged lovingly on a serving tray complete with rainbow sprinkles. "I didn't know we had sprinkles!"

But, his homemade popcorn is legendary amongst their friends. He always maintains a supply of his favorite kernels in the freezer for the frequent movie night requests just like the one spoken last night, "Dad, wanna watch a movie tonight. Oh, and can you make your popcorn?" To which he happily complied.

He's never refused. Or even complained a little bit. He does it because he wants to and they will remember that about him...always. Gosh, I love that man.

In the sunshine.

2010-07-23T06:00:00.000-04:00

“Live in the sunshine, swim the sea, drink the wild air…” ~Ralph Waldo Emmerson

I might have to cover up with 50+ sunblock in order to do it, watch the little ones frolic in the sea (or lake...in this case)rather than swim myself because this body doesn't do a swimsuit, but I definitely try my darndest to gulp that astounding air by the lungful.

Perspectives...

2010-07-22T10:24:00.002-04:00

“Never write about a place until you're away from it, because that gives you perspective.” ~Ernest Hemingway

If you've ever read Hemingway you are bound to be pulled in by his concise, succinct prose...and marvel at the perspective that is offered from its utter simplicity. Implications, impressions, and viewpoints are made between the words...not from the words themselves...and that type of talent enthralls me. There's no flowery phrasing yet passion and romance still seeps through...and each time I reread his words I always discover something new.

I'm still not clear whether that's my perspective or his...but it doesn't matter...I'll take it.

Forgetting about these photos and then discovering them weeks after our return...one of our few getaways that we shared as a family of four...at the time I was just ecstatic to leave the chaos of the cottage...but now I look back fondly on the craziness that ensued both prior to and after this perfect little picnic...he's right, isn't he?

Old Florida.

2010-07-19T16:03:00.003-04:00

Yesterday Laura and I took a little jaunt down yonder in search of some sites for her to hold future photo shoots and I shared with her these little treasures. And although we were both dripping after trudging around in 94 degree heat...it was so worth it. Ooohhh...to have a wrap-around porch on which to lounge while listening the to the sounds of summer storms upon an ancient tin roof...that would be heaven on earth.

On parenting.

2010-07-18T10:49:00.003-04:00

Here's the thing. When you choose to have children you never really know for certain the type of parent you will morph into...strict, permissive, aloof, involved, etc.

Hopefully, as each situation and stage develops you make decisions that best suit that particular moment in time. At least that's what you hope and pray for...although mistakes will be made...and you try to keep the damage to a minimum.

The man Alissa and Kinsey are absolutely blessed to call their father is so capable at walking that fine line...holding them to the highest standards yet catching them when they fall...inserting wisdom when required and offering humor at just the right moment...and they adore him. And his girls are truly his world.

Sisters.

2010-07-17T10:55:00.002-04:00

When the ultrasound technician reported to us that our second child was a healthy baby girl...I was over the moon...for sisters. Although they couldn't be more different from one another...they will always be sisters.

Pure Lazy.

2010-07-16T11:49:00.004-04:00

There's no other way to put it. I've slipped into this state of utter relaxation where I rise at 11...only to drift off for another twenty minutes. Once I slowly pull myself out my slumber and finally greet the day, I discover the house is still silent. The pups are perched atop the couch backs and barely lift their sleepy heads to acknowledge my presence. Oh, and my baby girl loves to laze as much as her mother...staying burrowed in her cocoon of covers until 2...if I allow it. But today I woke her with the promise of a strawberry frappacino and her favorite lemon cake. Ahhhh...summer.

Choices.

2010-07-13T14:32:00.002-04:00

I am so fortunate to have children that work hard and actually like school. Alissa has always known that she would attend college...and planned accordingly...taking a challenging course load, participating in both sports and clubs, and taking on every opportunity that presented itself... all while cultivating close friendships and family relationships. And her sister is following her lead.

Which leads to choices...happy, difficult, complicated and life-altering choices. I trust that she will make the one that suits her best...because that's just who she is. Our visit in late May to Florida State is just the beginning of all of the choices yet to come...

10 Days.

2010-07-12T19:01:00.004-04:00

Of laughing so hard that I thought my cheeks might fall off.
Of quiet moments that required no words what-so-ever.
Of loving my girl so much that I could barely stand it.

When the decision was made that my oldest and I would travel north as a two-some...I was torn. On the one hand, I felt just awful knowing we would be leaving Steven alone for both Daddy's Day and his birthday...even though he insisted. This year has been one that hasn't allotted him much time off and he didn't want us to wait around town for him.

And, on the flip side, Kinsey was travelling overseas to both Rome and Greece during those same dates making our decision a bit easier. She wouldn't feel like she was missing out somehow because she had her own amazing journey ahead of her.

Add those facts to the bittersweet realization that our chances for successfully completing just such an adventure will become more and more challeging...so, I seized the opportunity.

And I adored every single moment...especially the "Glee" giggles, secret "knowing" glances and how she would repeatedly reach for my hand time and time again. We are cut from the same cloth...she and I. We love nature and solitude and finding meaning in the simple sights that surround us. During that week and a half my respect, love and admiration for this magnificent young woman grew ten-fold. And knowing how full my heart is already, I didn't think that was possible.

Renewed.

2010-07-11T14:49:00.003-04:00

It doesn't take much. Sometimes, it's an unexpected set of stairs outside of a Michigan summer cottage,

the rushing stream that meanders through the newly budded trees of the forest,

or the promise of blossoms soon to come.

It doesn't matter where we find our renewal...but that when we find it...we derive strength from the simplicity.

Call me a pessimist!

2010-04-26T17:46:00.003-04:00

“Both optimists and pessimists contribute to our society. The optimist invents the airplane and the pessimist the parachute.”~G.B. Stern

For his eighteen bithday Alissa indulged a huge fantasy of Diego's and surprised him with a parachute jump. Although she didn't jump herself (she swears she will when she turns eighteen...right!) she captured some magnificent shots that I just had to post. I have so much more to share...Outward Bound, Easter, camping and prom to name just a few recent events from our lives recently...soon, very soon!

Perks

2010-04-08T21:01:00.007-04:00

Sometimes Steven's job really drives me crazy...the last minute hospital consults, the toll it takes on his emotions, and his inability to ever call in sick...even when he can barely get his head off the pillow. Because he's dedicated, and hard working and extremely good at what he does, so he's in demand. I get that. But, selfishly it still makes me nuts sometimes. So, when he gets an opportunity to take us along for a conference at South Beach...we jump at the chance. And his job makes me a little less crazy...at least for the two days at the beach!

Looking Up

2010-04-06T22:00:00.004-04:00

While walking along 5th Avenue this past Saturday with mom, we stopped for a sweet cup of chai (cold for me and hot for her) and just sat people-watching and chatting. While doing so, I looked up to see the most magnificent shadows dancing lightly above our heads and collected these shots which got me to thinking. How often do we look up? Not often enough, I'm afraid. I'm certainly one of the guilty parties who is always so focused and fixated on moving straight ahead that I miss what's often right in front of me...or in this case...just above me. If we hadn't slowed down our day and just surveyed the scenes around us...I would have missed it. And I'm so grateful that I didn't miss it.

Sandcastles

2010-04-03T10:19:00.004-04:00

My favorite sandcastles are just like the one we stumbled upon at sunset last night...formed by allowing the globules of sand to filter through your fingertips creating an imperfect structure...flawed yet phenomenal. The tide was out and offered some unique shots that my camera, my mom and I just loved.

Times are a changin...

2010-04-02T11:16:00.002-04:00

It seems like only a few blinks ago that my mischevious little monkey could be found tugging at my pant leg begging for my attention while I was going about the chores of my busy mom life...to play hide and seek or scooter around the block. Now, it is I that is tugging on her Hollister halter top yearning for her company as she runs out the door to meet her girlfriends...to discuss the cutest boy in the class or the most effective hair product to tame the frizz. And I miss her. For a time, I sulked. Then, I felt hurt. Finally, I took action. She's almost fourteen...and her friends are an important part of her now world...but I know she's going to need me forever. And I will be there for her, without judgements and with open arms. And I need to remind her of my committment to her by making moments for just us...and really relishing the time together.

My Heart will always be Home

2010-04-01T10:15:00.003-04:00

Returning home always brings a huge smile to my face...whether it's after a much anticipated vacation, a busy day at work, or simply after treking the dogs around the lake...because I love my home. And walking inside the comforting walls we have built around our lives together, I always feel a calm here. I know that I belong here, will be accepted here and can always be myself here...and he's one huge part of the reason I feel such acceptance. Although there are times when his rough and gruff exterior have scared away many a teenaged boy...I know the marshmallow man that lives just barely beneath the bristle...evidenced by the gift that was awaiting me following a quick little jaunt to Orlando. He loves me. And because of that love, I know how it feels to truly be home.

Stretching to the Sun

2010-03-02T20:15:00.003-05:00

Steven surprised me with these gorgeous tulips yesterday. And today when I woke up there were wide open with their arms outstretched...searching for the sun. Like me.

Too Long

2010-02-28T18:31:00.002-05:00

Has it really been almost two full months since I last posted? I wish I could say I've been occupied with some higher purpose. But, I simply haven't felt like it. And to be perfectly honest I haven't felt like much of anything. I've been occupied with the business of surviving. Getting through the day so that the next one might appear a bit brighter. I'm hoping it's simply the doldrums of winter that have grabbed hold of me and the sickness I've suffered recently has participating in the difficulty of dragging myself out of this quagmire. But, I'm slowly reconnecting, lifting the veil that has covered me and smiling more often. The sunset always helps.

letting go...before holding on

2010-01-11T19:46:00.004-05:00

i have always been a person who ruminates. okay, obsesses. and this tendency usually helps my brain to unlock whatever lesson my heart is supposed to learn. for example, if there is a conversation that i am a part of where maybe i've said something that i didn't quite mean or the vibe i've helped to create is off-kilter, i can torture myself for hours afterwords...wishing i could somehow reverse the hands of time...for a redo. but that's not the way it goes. so,im guessing the point is that the lessons i learn from those missteps are usually potent and powerful. and the next time i work harder trying to choose my words more carefully, and to put the feelings of others in the forefront of my mind...even though i don't always succeed fully.

and, in turn, i hope and even assume that others are of the same mindset. because i trust that people are inherently good. but, even knowing that people are mostly good and trying their best for the most part, there are moments in which hurts happen regardless. like when i received an email that contained a private conversation i am quite certain i was never supposed to read (boy, forwards can be extemely dangerous) made its way into my mailbox...along with the mailboxes of a multitude of others. and while i keep trying to wash the words from my brain as easily as i was able to delete them from my email, i simply don't seem capable of doing so. so, i will continue to wait patiently for the lesson He plans to reveal to me...because i know it's in there somewhere...mixed in with misunderstanding, confusion and anger...and i'm trying my hardest to just let it go...before i hold on long enough that it becomes a part of me. i'm getting there.

Snow Days

2010-01-06T22:01:00.005-05:00

Stopping By Woods on a Snowy Evening

Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.

My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

~Robert Frost

Mailbox Memories

2010-01-05T21:49:00.001-05:00

Without a doubt one of my all time favorite parts of the Christmas season is the catching up I get to do with friends from long ago, family far away and the people of my present...all via Christmas cards. Although I must admit I'm not one of those gals who savors the process of organizing the materials necessary for sending out my own cards and I dread the wretched ache I feel in my palm after handwriting each address...it's more than worth the effort when those envelopes begin to arrive.

Not only do I get the pure pleasure of witnessing the changes that a year has made and sharing in the blessings of the senders lives...but I have the sheer, guilty pleasure of reconnecting to those magical memories that each card evokes in me. Scrumptious.

Holiday Highlights

2010-01-04T18:26:00.002-05:00

It's shocking that it is already the fourth of January and I've neglected posting for so very long. I've sincerely missed sharing my personal reflections no matter how momentous or minuscule...the process of simply sitting at my keyboard and pouring it all out. I resolve to attend to my little blog a wee bit more in 2010...to nurture it while reveling in it's power over both my heart and soul. But, before my orderly little brain can move on to the new...I need to tidy up 2009 first by sharing a few highlights.

Because every kid deserves a cheering section.

2009-11-29T09:49:00.001-05:00

When you are holding your new baby girl in your arms for that very first time, something indescribably magnificent occurs and your heart simply melts into a puddle inside your chest. You cannot even believe you are capable of a love so big. And immediately it becomes impossible to separate your own beating heart from that of your child's...her wishes, dreams and experiences somehow become your own...and you pray that her life's purposes are fulfilled.

So, when the boy who is important to her, in ways that I can never be, needs a few fans in the stands, I will be there. He's a part of her life, so he's a part of mine as well. Since his own family is unable to to watch him start each game while fulfilling his captain role, and my sweet, sweet girl recognizes how much it means to him to have someone in the stands rooting just for him...I will be there. With camera in hand, we sit side by side admiring his athletic abilities and giggle at the silly dances and faces...because every kid deserves a cheering section.

A Sunset Kinda Girl

2009-11-28T09:41:00.003-05:00

Sunsets must be one of God's favorite teaching tools...

Teaching me about brevity... because i love the way in which the sunset reminds me to grasp hold and be present for each moment before it disappears.

And the importance of solitude...how is it possible that while standing amidst huge throngs of people i can feel so completely still and in His presence while staring out?

The necessity of confusion...while the crazy collection of mixed-up colors can quickly confound my mind, I notice that each individual strand possesses a unique brilliance...if i just look closely enough.

Boy, is He good.

PEOPLE SUCK...some of the time

2009-11-27T11:54:00.003-05:00

Steven says it all the time. It might sound jaded and harsh and negative...but he may have a point...especially since his job consists of listening to all of the stupid decisions, hurtful acts and misguided efforts humans impose upon one another...like people who cheat...repeatedly...and learn nothing from their selfish choices, until they are faced with divorce and the fear of losing it all...or when parents screw up their children by hurting them over and over again...both with and without intent, leaving them lonely and filled with despair because their own flesh and blood has grown up and moved on without ever looking back.

And while our choices certainly do affect not only ourselves, but those that we profess to love, I pray that the relationships I am building with my husband and girls are going to last...because they call me out when I make mistakes and forgive me for my faults...not simply because we share genetics. And while we may all suck a whole heck of a lot from time to time, I'm convinced that if we recognize that suckiness for what it is...the flaw of being human...and strive to reduce our tendency towards it whenever possible with the help of true friends, family and faith...we can keep the suck factor to a minimum!

Giving Thanks

2009-11-26T14:33:00.006-05:00

Family will be arriving in just minutes and I can't wait because the fourth Thursday in November is one of my all time favorite days of the year. It's not the huge feast planned and prepared, the Detroit Lions playing loudly on the television screen or even the celebrated Macy's Day parade...but it's the opportunity to stop and truly reflect on all that I am blessed enough to have as part of my humble little life...healthy and happy children, a husband who loves me in spite of myself, and those special friends and family members that can always make me smile. I am very, very thankful.

Oh, and Alissa is very thankful that Tim Tebow stayed at our hotel last weekend!

Young Life... and a room full of teenagers!

2009-11-10T20:49:00.006-05:00

Putting last night's emotions into words is so difficult for me for fear of sounding sappy or silly. And as you can see for yourself Young Life knows how to throw a party...the theme was perfect, the decorations were incredible and the festivities overall were quite amazing.

But, what I didn't expect was to be so humbly and completely moved by the honest and raw expressions of love and devotion...to God...by teenagers. The same teenagers that are surrounded daily by incredible pressures and situations...which are all outside of their control. They have learned how to finesse their way through these sometimes impossible circumstances...making decisions with a "Young Life" mindset. And, thus, these kids are making the conscious choice to live their lives differently than the majority...following their hearts.

So, after listening and witnessing firsthand the impact He has had on their young lives as teen after teen shared his or her personal story (and mind you they each exposed themselves in front of both their peers and an entire ballroom full of parents) brought tears to my eyes more times than I could begin to count.

It was an awesome Young Life night.

Super Saturday

2009-11-08T10:59:00.009-05:00

Our Saturday began with my oldest daughter quietly stating to Steven and I that she wanted to have a family day. So, after breakfast with grandma and grandpa, we set off to the park on our bikes...with kites in tow. The wind was perfect, the sun was shining and we were all together...what more could I ask for? Here are just a few pictures chronicling the afternoon.

After scanning this post, Steven quipped, "We have two daugthers, ya know." Yes, but only one will ALLOW her photo to be taken!!!

Similar Sentiments

2009-11-01T09:44:00.007-05:00

"Autumn is the eternal corrective. It is ripeness and color and a time of maturity; but it is also breadth, and depth, and distance. What man can stand with autumn on a hilltop and fail to see the span of his world and the meaning of the rolling hills that reach to the far horizon?"-Hal Borland

"I prefer winter and fall, when you feel the bone structure of the landscape - the loneliness of it, the dead feeling of winter. Something waits beneath it, the whole story doesn't show."-Andrew Wyeth

"The thinnest yellow light of November is more warming and exhilarating than any wine they tell of. The mite which November contributes becomes equal in value to the bounty of July."-Henry David Thoreau

"November's sky is chill and drear,
November's leaf is red and sear."-Sir Walter Scott

While we South Floridians may not be able to witness the searing red leaves as autumn continues to descend, I still like to fill my home with everything that is November. Although the fall foliage is of the silk variety...I love it. And while I may not be able to wander over to the nearest cider mill for some fresh Honey Crisps and mulled cider, I can burn fifteen autumn wreath votives from Yankee to get my fix. For me, this season is a time of reflection and contemplation...and that's a large part of why I love it so. A time of self-examination if you will. And I'm pretty satisfied with my life thus far. As this season progresses, I find myself pulling my family closer, wanting to develop those relationships more fully. As the year draws to a close, I am pleased with the way God has stretched me spiritually and pray that He will continue to do so. Yep, I love November.

Transitions Are Interesting!

2009-10-31T18:13:00.007-04:00

This has been a difficult Halloween. Let me rephrase that. This has been a very different Halloween. From the time we became a family of four, we have followed the same Halloween traditions. The girls always planned their costumes for weeks prior to the big night and began dressing for the festivities three hours before dark. Steven prepared his famous homemade chili with steamed hot dogs, corn bread and all the fixings. My in-laws and folks joined us at the house and simply enjoyed the evening...some staying behind to greet trick or treaters while the rest of us traipsed around the neighborhood accumulating bags and bags of goodies.

But, our former traditions have been set aside this year and I'm still not quite sure how I feel about it...a little sad, maybe, a little unsettled, definitely, but...like so many things these past few years...I have to recognize that the changes aren't necessarily bad, just different. So, when Alissa began preparing for Homecoming and dressing in her beautiful gown looking every bit a woman...ready to conquer the world...I surged with pride. And when my Kinsey set off for a Halloween party with her girlfriends without us..I was oddly at peace. I have all of these wonderful Halloween memories to look back on. So, as I notice the neighborhood kiddos dressed for the night with their parents following closely on their heels...I will remember and treasure those not so long ago traditions. And I will work hard to embrace the new traditions that now seem to be.

Senior Night

2009-10-31T10:58:00.006-04:00

Whew! It's over...after countless hours spent chasing down teen girls for their quotes...after sleepless nights spent fretting over the details (the presents, the program, the dinner, the posters, the decorations)...after many minor meldowns, too many trips to Target to count and a few tears too...it's done. And I learned a few things about myself along the way.

First and foremost, I don't delegate well. But, I love to volunteer my time and talents for others. Second, I am a perfectionist and I have ridiculous expectations for myself. But, I love spending time with teens...because they really do notice when you put forth the extra effort.

And I'm thrilled to report that Senior Night was a huge hit...in fact, it exceeeded my type A expectations. And, looking back, I would do it all over again...exactly the same way.

(By the way, that's Alissa's boyfriend on the left!)

Enjoying the View

2009-10-09T19:17:00.004-04:00

I really love the view. The way that when I'm sitting on my couch, tilted just so, I see nothing but palms fronds and the sparkling water of the fountain...how at that moment the rooftops around me just melt away.

I really love the view. The way I'm able to witness the sun dropping just behind the treetops when the clouds are extra heavy...painting a picture that takes my breath away every single night I'm lucky enough to catch it. And these random thoughts set my mind to thinking.

I really love the view. The way in which my tender-hearted girl wears her heart on her sleeve...never afraid to express her love for family openly for all to see. And the way in which my blue-eyed beauty continues to blossom before my very eyes...no longer the gangly and giggly goofball. This emerging young woman who is figuring out how to make her way in this world has somehow taken hold.

To state that I love the view seems so basic and simple. But I do.

Man of Many Projects

2009-09-13T10:49:00.002-04:00

Thinking back I can't remember a single repairman ever coming to our home when I was a kid. The time the pipes froze under the kitchen sink...my dad took care of everything..I can still see him huddled under those cabinets with the blow torch lit. Or when our lower level (a fancy way to describe a walk-out basement) needed updating and remodeling...my dad did it all. He ripped out the 1970's red shag carpets, hung and painted new drywall, designed and built walk-in closets with cedar lined drawers...and the list goes on and on. But the many talents he possesses are not limited to only home improvements and carpentry because he's also a whiz at general car mechanics, boat engine repair, antique car restoration, and lawn design. At least once a year some huge project evolved from his imagination. One summer it was the expansion of our sundeck complete with a privacy wall of his design and a new outdoor table fashioned from a door! Or the time he winterized our house by switching us over to wood heat by installing wood burning stoves on both levels, creating a wood shed with a secret door (making cords of wood accessible from our breezeway so you didn't have to brave the elements outdoors when stacking) all in order to save some money on heating bills. His expertise in all things extended to more than just repairs and building for a purpose because these schemes and ideas of his were put to work in order to maximize the fun of every situation. For example, each winter he would build elaborate jumps at the bottom of our sled hill to maximize lift. Or how he would take the snow blower to the pond out back to clear the ice once the river froze...but if it hadn't frozen yet he would create our own ice rink using the garden hose on our backyard. I remember camp-outs in random boats he had just purchased to fix up and learning to drive in antique cars with three on the tree. I don't believe there is anything he can't fix or figure out! When I really stop to ponder what he's capable of doing it's pretty darn extraordinary. And it makes him exactly who he is...my dad of many projects. (By the way his latest project has taken him to northern Michigan via his motorcoach after spending the summer in Colorado working as a handyman...and remember he's retired!)

Wishing

2009-09-11T19:40:00.006-04:00

I know that she's already in agony. She tries to hide it...to pretend it's not really there. She doesn't share the hurt and confusion often. It's simply too much. Because behind the bright green eyes and effervesent laughter...her tears are only a blink away. Barely beneath the surface...I can see it. Her pain. The type of pain that cuts her heart out...knowing that her brown-eyed boy will soon have to face loss and pain and sadness...and she can't shield him. Knowing the turmoil she has faced over these past several years and the bottomless love she feels towards her babies makes me want to just wish this all away all the more. But, she has to witness it firsthand. She might even be blamed for it. I'm wishing I could take away her worry. I'm wishing I could somehow wave that magical wand and change the crappy circumstances that her son will soon experience. I'm trying to cover them both with my prayers. I'm wishing she turns to me or Him or anyone who can help them through this. I'm wishing.

Sometimes a reminder is necessary.

2009-09-06T14:06:00.003-04:00

Like after the miserable week you've just spent with a forty plus body that wouldn't function independently without a z-pac, several boxes of tissue and ridiculous amounts of rest. But, after spending seven long days headachy and exhausted I'm reminded good health and unlabored breathing are often unrecognized joys which should be celebrated.

Or when your oldest child exits her room early Sunday morning asking, "Mom, do you want to go to the beach so we can read the Bible together?" Suddenly, I'm reminded how much this girl inspires me and the gratitude I feel witnessing God's influence on this child's heart which, in turn, brings me closer to Him.

Or yet again after your daughter states quite plainly after walking past a beautiful and unexpected bouquet of white roses, "I hope that my husband brings me flowers, like Daddy does for you." And while the man I married can easily drive me to drink on any given day of the week, I'm reminded of his commitment and devotion to us, our marriage and family.

Or while your youngest child places her thirteen year old hand lightly across your thigh while watching one of her favorite shows together after a long day at school. I am reminded that regardless of how old she professes to be via her mascaraed lashes and flat-ironed hair, she is a little girl who still needs her mom to be close.

It doesn't take much. Just a brief moment. To know and be reminded.

She's Changing

2009-09-05T20:28:00.003-04:00

My little crazy girl with the bright blue eyes is changing. Each day some small alterations to her personality and appearance are taking place. Awesome changes. She's truly turning into a young woman...right before my eyes. Maybe it's the eighth grade and the influence of her peers. But, it seems to be so much more. She's confident. And she's comfortable in her own skin. So, she's stretching her wings just a little bit more each day. Happy. Sure of herself. Maybe she's trembling on the inside...but I really don't think so. God has graced her with a self-assurance that just seeps from her pores. Like I said, she's changing.

(love this photo she took...a kaleidoscope of Kinsey)

ready to write

2009-08-23T11:09:00.003-04:00

feeling emotional this morning. but, good emotional. a catharsis of sorts. so, i thought i would write about it. assign words to my feelings. so, i poured a fresh cup of chai, lit my candles, settled into the cushion of my bar stool and just let it flow. right now i'm making a pinky promise with myself that i won't go back and edit...because this is what i intended when first starting this blog...to live unfettered. so, i'm breaking the damn chains. and this is what i came up with.

a few months ago she stripped away my defenses. maybe i was ready. maybe i recognized it was from the heart. maybe it was God intervening because He knew it was time. doesn't matter. i've known her since she was seventeen and always felt like that older sister. and like sisters sometimes do, there were disagreements and hurts and jealousies between us. but i let those fester and linger and tear me up until i shut down and turned off the feelings. what's worse i gave myself permission to turn my hurt into meanness and didn't recognize who i allowed myself to be. and that felt horrible. and for that i am not proud. taking responsibility is the only option...along with asking for forgiveness...and thankfully both He and she granted it. and once those walls were removed i quickly discovered those feelings of concern and love never went away at all...i just suffocated them and in turn strangled my own ability to give, forgive and just be. so i've learned and i've grown and i'm trying. and while it may take months, or even years, to get to that place where we once were, it's okay. i know that i want what's best for her and she wants what's best for me. and for now, that's enough.

Obviously...

2009-08-15T18:04:00.003-04:00

I appreciate the obvious. Sure, I'm also a huge fan of subtle humor, complex characters in novels and layered relationships...but, seriously, doesn't the obvious just make you laugh hard sometimes?

“The obvious is that which is never seen until someone expresses it simply.” ~Kahlil Gibran

"It requires a very unusual mind to undertake the analysis of the obvious.” ~Alfred North Whitehead

"The more original a discovery, the more obvious it seems afterwards.” ~Arthur Koestler

I can die happy.

2009-08-13T21:29:00.006-04:00

When the ultrasound was read, I can distinctly remember thinking to myself...wow, they'll be sisters. My mom has three sisters and I remember her woeful tales of sisterhood...the fights over favorite sweaters, cuckoo clocks silenced during battles and tattling at every turn. So, I was ready for the rivalary and jealousy and competition. But what I wasn't prepared for...the unbreakable bond and compassion for each other and limitless loyalty...has brought me to the brink of tears more times than I can count and I find myself thanking God daily for the utter beauty that is sisters.

i know what i like

2009-08-10T19:00:00.008-04:00

i'm not sure why...but i prefer taking photos of stuff. most people i know seek to take the perfect picture of the favorite people in their lives. especially little people. now while i enjoy and definitely appreciate that particular photographic endeavor, i am not at all pulled in that direction myself. instead, i am mesmerized by landscapes and storefronts and walkways and unique objects that surprise me as i locate them on the other end of my lens. and, more specifically, i savor and treasure those places and objects that somehow possess an intangible quality which allows my imagination to run wild...how those places and items seem to look as if they have a secret story to share. again, i don't claim to be a photographer by any stretch, but i do know what i like. here are a few personal favorites i captured this summer. there may not people in any of them but i believe each picture still has a personality all its own.

Rails to Trails

2009-08-06T20:50:00.006-04:00

For five long years I have been begging. "Please can we, as a family, ride the railway trail this year?" And each year I'm met with resistance...so, I let it go and wait for the next summer to bring up my request again. But this year something quite miraculous happened. When I posed my annual question, everyone agreed...and surprisingly, I didn't have to use threats...or even bribery. I was stunned and thrilled! So, after I retrieved my jaw from the cottage floor, we headed into town and geared up. Steven shared with me that our rental agreement allotted us four full hours of gorgeous lakeside cycling. I was ready. I couldn't wait to watch my girls enraptured faces as they pedalled the afternoon away. It started out in the most fantastic way. Smiles were visible all around, the wind was gently blowing our hair from our faces and the 68 degree temperatures were unbelievably perfect.

Our first rest stop (7 minutes in) took us down a weathered set of stairs to the shoreline where the views of Little Traverse Bay were ideal. The girls were joking with one another, Alissa was giggling about the bird poo that landed on her handle bars...all was right with my bicycle world.

But, as the saying goes...all good things must end. And it sure did about thirty minutes later when the girls realized our tour would take us approximately three to four hours, twenty miles, into the wind, and they cracked. Undeterred...I enjoyed myself immensely. I'll let the pictures tell the rest of the story.

Hollie Hobbie

2009-08-05T18:42:00.005-04:00

I must admit I have always longed to be a pioneer girl. I can still so easily picture myself with cute little braids spilling out of my calico bonnet while collecting fresh eggs from the hen house...if I just close my eyes tightly enough. Maybe this fascination started after devouring Little House in the Big Woods by Laura Ingalls Wilder and each of her subsequent books. Certainly, my obsession was reconfirmed when Little House on the Prairie was televised during my girlhood. Especially when after close examination I discovered numerous similarities between myself and the t.v. Laura...we had the same mousy brown hair, sweet little freckles dotting our noses, and even a slight overbite...I was thoroughly convinced I would fit right in with the Ingall's clan. Add to my already overworked imagination the release of Hollie Hobbie, and I was totally hooked. I desperately wished my parents had named me Hollie...with an ie. So, upon discovering this little treasure at an antique show while visiting my home state, all of these memories flooded my brain...and I'm still kicking myself for not bringing her home with me!

Shots of a Michigan Vacation

2009-08-04T20:57:00.003-04:00

Just a few shots of my favorite kiddos...too tired to post much more tonight. Suffice it to say...our Michigan visit was refreshing, relaxing and just plain wonderful. Thankfully, it always is.

Overwhelmed

2009-08-04T20:21:00.002-04:00

“We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.”~Winston Churchill

With their outrageously generous gift, Aunt Michele and Uncle Gil completely overwhelmed me beyond comprehension...and made one sixteen year old girl's world complete. And if that's not enough, Uncle Gil chided me for not contacting him more often with my fundraising requests! As I thanked them both again and again knowing that words couldn't truly encompass what I was trying to convey, they each stopped me mid-sentence and simply said (each independent of one another), "We're just so fortunate that we have it to give." Wow. There is a special place in my heart for these two...not for the stuff they give, but for the truly selfless and generous example they set.

Windy Gap, Quiet Times and New Beginnings

2009-07-22T15:26:00.002-04:00

Personally, I never went to summer camp. As an adult, I wish I would have had the chance. I'm not sure why it wasn't available to me as a youngster...maybe because I lived in the country where swimming and outdoor play consumed my summer days...and my parents never felt it was necessary. I'm really not sure...but none of my friends went away to summer camp either so it's not as if I felt slighted in any way at the time.

As city (okay...suburb)girls, my own children have been lucky enough to attend a summer camp or two. This summer Alissa and her YOUNG LIFE pals set off to North Carolina where she spent a week horseback riding, hiking, swimming, and mountain biking. But more importantly she answered some big questions. And I couldn't be happier for her.

"God enters by a private door into each individual." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
"God is the perfect poet." ~Robert Browning
"They say that God is everywhere, and yet we always think of Him as somewhat of a recluse." ~Emily Dickinson
"There is a God-shaped vacuum in every heart." ~Blaise Pascal

one cool momma

2009-07-16T07:38:00.003-04:00

Oh, to have boys and to be the mom who takes them to the barbershop and has their favorite teams etched right on to their heads! You are too cool, Lisa!

Another Good Girl

2009-07-11T18:20:00.007-04:00

People who have pets will understand this post...especially those who have had that special animal enter their lives that forever changes everything. Montana was that pet for me. Although I have always had pets of one variety or another, none of them affected me quite like that silly black lab. Now that it's getting closer to the time when we will pack it up and head north I'm feeling her loss again....and I'm so sad that she won't be joining us this year. Boy, how she loved chasing the four-wheeler through the fields with her tongue hanging out the side of her mouth and that labrador grin etched on her face. Knowing those were her happiest moments on earth I promised my sweet girl that I would one day take her back...and someday I will...but I'm still not ready yet. In the meantime, this little furry pipsqueak has unexpectedly joined our family. Although she will never take the place of my Montana, she seems to know that I am in need of her the most and, as a result, is my greatest fan. I can't help wondering if Tana girl had something to do with her arrival.

Big DAY!

2009-07-10T13:10:00.004-04:00

"Everything in life is somewhere else, and you get there in a car.:" ~E.B. White

Even with her newfound freedom, via her driver's license, I hope her life will always bring her right back here to me. I expect there to be some little day trips and excursions enticing her to drive away...with me in the dust...but I hope those separations are short and her homecomings happy.

Lighthouses

2009-07-09T08:44:00.002-04:00

The Michigan waters and shorelines are littered with lighthouses. Thankfully, there are a few left along the reefs and coasts of Florida as well. The mystery and wonder that they encapsulate has always intrigued my thoughts. What must have it been like for those hearty keepers who lived such a solitary existence? When their duties were done, how did they pass the time? Did they select such a life because of their temperment or was it a choice of economics? I wonder if I would have been suited for life as a lighthouse keeper...maybe.

“Lighthouses are more helpful than churches.” ~Benjamin Franklin

Teetering

2009-07-09T07:28:00.003-04:00

I'm still teetering at that edge of that awful precipice...the one where if you step over the ledge your life will be forever altered...in a terrible way that you never anticipated, wanted or would wish on anyone. Without going into the details (created from both my overactice imagination and a series of unfortunate events that did create the very real possibility), I thought I had lost him. Or that something monumentally awful had taken place and he was horribly hurt without me there to comfort or help him. Catching a glimpse of that horrifying abyss shook me. Because to simply say that he is the most magnificent father, my best friend in the entire universe and an amazing son feels like I'm not fully conveying all that he is to me and those in his life. So, I'm not going to dwell on those little things that make me want to scream (toenails on the coffee table for one) and remind myself of that empty, shaky feeling from two nights' past because it confirms how very lucky I really am.

Florida Summer

2009-07-07T10:16:00.003-04:00

I've finally learned to embrace the Florida summer. In all honesty, it's taken just about two decades to get to this point. Because for years I've fought loving it. A small part of me believed that I was somehow being unfaithful to the Michigan summers of my childhood...because they were truly fabulous...going barefoot in the silky grass, swimming for hours in the cool depths of the Black river, riding my trusty orange Schwinn ten-speed for miles on end alongside fields of wildflowers...I loved it all.

Now, through the eyes of my children (and my own inner child), I can truly wrap my arms around the bliss that is a Florida summer. I've discovered that regardless of the sometimes stifling heat, I'm often surprised by the rush of a sudden breeze that rustles the palms. I've come to relish with absolute awe a lightning-filled sky while wasting away a rain-soaked afternoon reading. Or wandering along the shoreline of the gulf feeling the powdery sand between my toes as the sun dips below the horizon and the relief of dusk descends. I love how Alissa has taught me to treasure the sensation of settling into the arms of my sky blue beach chair and to focus on the steady rhythym of the waves washing over the coquinas...again and again....knowing the water awaits when I need a plunge. And I really, really do love a Florida summer.

Liliana

2009-07-06T15:19:00.004-04:00

"Courage is the power to let go of the familiar." ~Raymond Lindquist

Stepping off the bus on Friday evening, a diminuitive Spanish girl bravely strode through the throngs of Spanish, Russian, French and Chinese students, American parents and their anxious children, and placed two soft kisses on either side of my cheeks. Barely able to utter the words, "nice to meet you" in her thickly accented voice, her demeanor humbled me. Only sixteen years old and halfway around the world embarking on the adventure of a lifetime without the comfort and familiarity of her own parents to guide her, but, instead, surrounded by strangers...who speak a foreign tongue and follow customs so different from her own...our Liliana. Her courageous grin remained slightly subdued, but firmly placed...and I was astounded by her instantly. And I had just met her. Welcome...to our country, home and family, Liliana.

a little bit of dinner, surprises and fishing!

2009-07-01T12:00:00.001-04:00

I was warned...when she was only minutes old. "This one is going to be feisty!" And the delivery nurse's prophecy has been realized time and time again during her sixteen years on earth. Now, that feistiness has been channelled and transformed into a tenacity and drive that leaves me both speechless and proud. She holds a standard for others that is often difficult to attain and maintain, but, as a result, has developed friendships and relationships that are true and real.

So, for weeks on end I planned her birthday so it would be memorable yet meaningful, exciting and touching simultaneously...she tells me I succeeded. I sure hope so...because she is worth every anxiety-filled moment I spent planning, each painstaking keystoke struck in creating her oh so special photo book, and every confused message texted to her friends (try planning a bunch of surprises with 16 and 17 year olds who change their minds hourly!!).

Happy Sweet Sixteen baby girl! 658.

Crab Bisque, presents, best friends and phenomenal music at Tommy Bahamas.

A surprise fishing trip with her best buddies!

let the celebrations begin

2009-06-29T10:10:00.002-04:00

she's loved. and yesterday it was obvious in the way in which her family joined together to celebrate her first sixteen years. her momma cried. her daddy smiled proudly. her sister bopped her in the head with a balloon. her bagga told the story of her first day. her auntie di pulled off the most creative present ever. her cousins hand decorated her card. her aunt jenn read her mind by selecting the perfect gift. her uncle teased and tried to steal her garlic bread. her grandma fussed and hovered. it was sheer magnificence. and boy is she loved.

(more later.)

Just do it!

2009-06-28T12:09:00.004-04:00

Dragging myself out of my cozy bed this morning was pure torture. The quiet of the house was so welcoming, begging me to return to my slumber. But, the puppy was whining to be released from her doggie prison forcing me to stay up. Yet, after letting the pups out for their morning business, I still wasn't convinced that it was the best morning for a ride...it was pretty darned humid and the wind was picking up. At that moment I heard a little whisper encouraging me to just go...jump in the saddle for just a few miles. So, I listened. And like every single time that I climb on that darned bike, I am in heaven. Thirty-five miles later I felt emotionally recharged, happily fatigued and ready to really face the day!

"Think of bicycles as rideable art that can just about save the world." ~Grant Petersen

"Cycle tracks will abound in Utopia." ~H.G. Wells

"It is by riding a bicycle that you learn the contours of a country best, since you have to sweat up the hills and coast down them. Thus you remember them as they actually are, while in a motor car only a high hill impresses you, and you have no such accurate remembrance of country you have driven through as you gain by riding a bicycle." ~Ernest Hemingway

"Melancholy is incompatible with bicycling." ~James E. Starrs

"The bicycle, the bicycle surely, should always be the vehicle of novelists and poets." ~Christopher Morley

...and there were flamingos

2009-06-27T10:37:00.003-04:00

There's a bird that is synonymous with Florida. But, alas, other than when visiting Busch Gardens these bubble gum pink birdies are difficult, if not impossible, to spot. I'm not even sure Florida is their habitat...because I've never, ever seen one anywhere! And I've looked!

Late one night not so long ago, there was a mysterious ring of the doorbell at 11 p.m. After briefly arguing over who was going to answer the summons to the door, Steven (he lost the argument) discovered our yard, trees and bushes littered with these crazy characters. Later we found out we had been "flocked" in an effort to raise funds for young life's summer camp program. They can flock us anytime!

"Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk." ~ Jack Handey

on music

2009-06-26T21:36:00.001-04:00

i love all music. seriously. even banjo music. i think my playlists reflect that fact. i know it has a lot to do with my dad. growing up in my home the turntable was always spinning something. the clash. warren zevon. queen. the cars. elvis costello. the rolling stones. b.b. king. squeeze. lou reed. stuff that was popular. stuff that was obscure. stuff that was bizzare. stuff that was interesting. if i close my eyes i can still see those huge black speakers in each corner of our living room. when i think back to those moments i can still feel the floor pulsate from the bass. and it was magic. and he was sooooo cool.

Choices

2009-06-26T10:17:00.005-04:00

Throughout our lives we are faced with a multitude of choices. So many of these choices are completed in the blink of an eye without a great deal of thought or consideration. Such as...should I have my oat bran cereal with strawberries or bananas for breakfast? Or...am I going to wear a my favorite Mackinac Island hat today or take the trouble to blow dry my hair?

While other choices require significant contemplation and reflection. Such as...do I share with my mother-in-law my differing views about the upcoming family fourth of July celebration or do I simply let it go, give in to her suggestions, and suffer in silence? Or...do I divulge my darkest secrets to my daughters with the hope that the information will enlighten them, or is it a burden too painful for a young girl which shouldn't be imposed regardless of the intent?

However challenging or simple, I'm grateful for choices. Without them I wouldn't be able to make meaningful mistakes that force me to grow. And...I might always eat bananas on my cereal.

Inside and Out

2009-06-25T11:10:00.002-04:00

While perusing my memory card for pictures to use in a project for Alissa's sweet sixteen, I stumbled across this one. Taken a few months ago at the National Honor Society induction, I remember the feelings that tugged at my heart that evening...gut-wrenching pride, unabashed wonder, and limitless love...just to quickly name a few. Putting into words the honor I feel being her mother and witnessing her growth into young womanhood conjures up within me such strong feelings that I often feel both raw and exposed. This love...it's mind-numbing. Somehow, this magical almost woman can express it far better than I. Here are a some carefully selected words from a poem she wrote me on mom's day...

"You are my anchor in this world
and in these rough and crazy seas.
Where hearts and hopes
go down like ships,
You keep me held onto my dreams."

She's simply beautiful...inside and out.

2009-06-23T17:31:00.004-04:00

There was huge period of time in which Kinsey would eat only three things. And I'm not exaggerating here. Of course, these three items were not conducive to good physical health. As a result, I felt like I was failing her. I was sure her arteries would be clogged with cheese, salt and fat. What's more, I was convinced that somehow it was my fault. Maybe all of that feta cheese during my pregnancy had damaged her somehow!

So, for years, I bought every cookbook I could find that might allow me to prepare "kid-friendly", yet healthy dishes. I subscribed to Family Fun and attempted to get my finicky gal to expand her food selections. Steven and I were stunned when Kinsey refused to even try the ants on a log so lovingly created just for her (she hates both chocolate and peanut butter...absolute staples to ANY normal child's diet!!!!)...and forget about her opinions on celery. Steven would spend countless hours making adorable little finger sandwiches using cookie cutters to make them more enticing...all to no avail. Time and time again, our efforts failed.

After these numerous failed food attempts, Steven became convinced that when she became hungry enough...she would eat the good stuff...the healthy stuff. She would start reaching for the stalks of broccoli, snap peas and carrot sticks....all on her own. Of course...that simply didn't happen!

"Smother it all in cheese!" was my mother-in-law's suggestion. After dousing meal after meal in Velveeta, Kinsey simply didn't fall for it. She knew those carrots were only disguised and would lick the cheese off without nibbling the carrot itself.

After years of being worn down by her stubborn palate, we were frustrated, perplexed and worried! But, together, we settled on a new strategy...just try one new thing a day. And it stuck. (I'll be honest...there were some tears from time to time...especially with the zucchini!) Around this time we discovered another useful technique...bribery! I'm not ashamed to admit it either! We would order her pizza (obviously one of her three favorite foods!) from Aurelio's, and she was allowed to indulge after eating all of her greens.

Now, it's become a birthday tradition. And she even eats her salad now without being coerced...although we have to bring her special ginger dressing from Publix along with us!

June

2009-06-23T17:06:00.004-04:00

Historicially, June is always, always, always crazy around here...a good kinda crazy...but completely insane nevertheless. When I started filling in my day timer several months prior to June the first, I knew that I would be logging numerous hours in the car transporting kids to their various camps, driver's education, volleyball practices, beach outings and the like...but add to those committments a trip to Sea World, three birthdays (Kinsey turned 13, Steven got older, and Alissa is 16 next week), Father's day and I have to say...I'm ready for some downtime and quiet.

(Secretly, I love the crazy.)

Remembering

2009-05-25T17:04:00.004-04:00

Christmas was always a bittersweet time for my grandmother. As a child, I always knew something was not quite right for her around this time of year...even though the presents were piled around the tree and our family was gathered together. It wasn't until I was much older and had children of my own that I could really grasp the reason why. And now, since she is gone, I can only imagine the suffering she experienced. She didn't talk about him often...but around the holidays his name usually came up...because her second born child, David, wasn't there with us. Because he never came home from Vietnam. And although I am grateful for his service and his sacrifice...I still wish it had been different...for her. By the way, his birthday was the day after Christmas.

Rewind to...my mommie's day

2009-05-16T16:24:00.007-04:00

It really didn't start out the way I envisioned it in my head. Quite the opposite in fact. I awoke to a silent house and started my typical routine....tidying the kitchen from the day before while weighing my options. Do I wake my family and spoil any surprise they have planned for me or do I continue to go about my morning like it's any other? I quickly decided to go for an early ride...leaving them free to make my mother's day memorable. Returning about 45 minutes later, I expected to enter the kitchen to find my favorite breakfast awaiting, cards and flowers covering the countertops, and my girls anxiously anticipating my arrival. Nope. Alissa was still under the covers, Kinsey was in the office computing away, and Steven was stretched out on the sofa finishing the remnants of his omelete. Unable to hide my disappointment, I started opening kitchen cupboards a little too loudly, grabbed my swiffer and started cleaning to lessen my hurt. Instantly, my family came alive. I could almost read their minds, "Uh-oh...mom's mad!" But, I wasn't having any of it. After putting the swiffer stick away just a little too vigorously, I stomped my way to the shower and turned on the stream of water...on the verge of tears. While waiting for the water to heat up, Kinsey approached me from behind with a hug and a darling computer-generated card. The tears started rolling. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed a hand decorated envelope on my bed. Alissa had snuck in from her room (she wasn't asleep at all) and placed the poem she composed...just for me...on my pillow. Upon reading and rereading their heart felt sentiments, I broke down. Sobbing uncontrollably, I hugged my girls close and knew that this was the best mommie's day moment ever...because it will forever be burned into my memory...the bad, the mad, and most importantly, the love. It didn't hurt that we followed that entire morning scene with an early lunch at one of my fave's, Dolly's, and canoeing on the Estero River. (A hidden treasure...by the way!)

bubbles...

2009-05-09T15:21:00.002-04:00

whether you've been working on a piece of juicy gum ensuring it's the perfect texture so you can effortlessly stretch it and smooth it between your teeth and tongue...creating the most magnificent pink orb right before it pops. or whether you've been happily soaking in a sudsy tub filled to the brim, right up to the edge of the overflow drain, and the scented suds are tickling your nose begging you to collect a huge handful in your raisin-puckered fingers and just blow...somehow bubbles hold the promise of magic for me.

and true magic unfolded before my very eyes when...after an evening of putt-putt golf with my girls and a few of their bestest friends...alissa and kinsey discovered some "come back again" favors on the checkout ledge. and relished the simple joy of gently dipping those sticky little wands into their neon-colored plastic tubes...making certain they didn't lose their tenuous grasp as they carefully created those shimmering bulbous delights...again and again.

c'mon...who doesn't love bubbles?

What does Earth Day mean to you?

2009-04-22T20:09:00.004-04:00

Kinsey caught this shot at Lettuce Lake...check out the shadow...so cool!

Don't you just love the way the vine represents renewal as it twists along the trunk of this clearly fire-damaged palm? Nature is incredible.

We were shocked to see the Roseate Spoonbills. They are hard to spot and you should consider yourself lucky if you actually have the opportunity to see them in the wild. This poor guy has suffered some sort of injury...such incredible birds!

Butterflies are so magical and delicate. Planting butterfly friendly plants is now on my "to-do" list. Kinsey just loves them and insisted I take this pic.

Putting just the right words to my feelings about our spectacular Earth and all of it's magnificence is a near impossiblity. So, I won't even try. I will let the pictures speak for me. Thanks, Momma Earth. Love Ya!

Proud Momma Moments...More to Come!

2009-04-19T18:19:00.006-04:00

A few mommy moments from the past week that filled my eyes with proud tears...Kinsey's induction into the National Junior Honor Society and Alissa's first prom.

On Traveling...

2009-04-18T16:46:00.000-04:00

I love traveling.
Really, really love it.
Each year we take the obligatory trip or two home to Michigan. And I truly, truly savor every minute spent there...especially the summers in Harbor Springs.
But, somehow, that's not traveling in the truest sense of the word. I've been there before. I know the area inside and out. And while revisiting those tried and true places of my past, present and future is always incredible, relaxing and inspiring...I love to find and explore new destinations.
I love the palpable anticipation I feel while touring around someplace new with my camera slung around my neck...daydreaming about what it would be like to live, work or raise my family there instead of where we chose to make a home. I love the sensation of discovering there is a very different world outside of my own backyard. I find these experiences leave me feeling hopeful and grateful for being able to experience someplace brand new.
But, given my role as a busy mom of two extremely busy young women, the wife of a thrifty husband who is always contemplating our financial future and my own restrictions as a full-time teacher...traveling to new, exotic locales is often just beyond my reach.
But, sometimes, for just a brief period of time everything just falls into place. Great friends, awe-inspiring landmarks and exceptional cherry blossoms made our travel to our nation's capitol early this April an umistakable delight.

"The traveler sees what he sees. The tourist sees what he has come to see." ~G.K. Chesterton
See for yourself.

I get it now.

2009-04-01T11:15:00.003-04:00

While growing up I didn't understand it very much. Those Sunday afternoons when my father would demand we go for a drive...together. I would often sulk in the back seat...frustrated that I wasn't able to join my friends in whatever adventures were planned that day. But once we arrived at our destination...I always enjoyed myself. In fact, those memories of my Michigan years, when we were still a family of three, are truly little treasures I keep locked in my heart. I get it now.

Now that I am grown with daughters of my own, we have our own Sunday afternoons when Steven and I insist that we spend time...together. The girls frequently pout in the back seat...disgusted that they aren't able to join their buddies in whatever plans were made for the afternoon. But once we have landed at our destination...we always have a blast! These memories of our Florida years with our little family of four are so precious to me. Someday, I am certain, they will get it too.

Mmm....mmm....mmm!

2009-03-26T18:08:00.008-04:00

My hubby's culinary expertise is legendary among my closest friends and family. His skills in the kitchen truly leave me speechless. Most days as I peruse the shelves of my fridge, trying to piece together some semblance of a meal...I come up short. Spaghetti with sauce from the jar and garlic bread from the foil, tacos from a kit, or chili with the seasoning from the package are my typical fare.

Not my Stevie. He opens that refrigerator door and his eyes light up...his imagination conjures up creations from the items upon those glass shelves that are simply outside of my limited perceptions. It's so much more than just cooking well...or following a recipe correctly...it's the creativity that seems to ooze from his every pore when he straps on that apron.

As I said, yummy!

Just Can't Do It

2009-03-20T22:10:00.001-04:00

The last vestige of my big black girl. I just can't remove it. Each week since she's been gone I've tried to update my grateful list. But to do so would somehow erase my sweet Montana from everyone's memory. I know that seems silly. But I just can't yet. Maybe next week.

on the edge

2009-03-20T21:39:00.006-04:00

each day i move closer...as the edge draws me near
with every fragile breath
sweet memories gain strength
tears make way for small smiles
and love replaces loss

On Budgets

2009-03-15T19:39:00.003-04:00

Like everyone else in these challenging economic times, we have decided to "tighten our belts", to "cut corners" wherever possible and to "trim the fat" from our budget. So today we tackled our finances. Together, we sat down in front of the computer, spread out our various statements and printouts determining exactly where we stand...financially. And honestly, we're not doing too bad...I must say. But, like anyone who is trying to maintain a positive financial future, there are some changes in store for the Smith household.

No more Starbuck's nonfat vente chai at $5 bucks a pop (which of course always included a pastry at $2.99 and a nonfat vente toffe-nut latte for Laura). Gone.

No more pedicures (unless I have a gift certificate) for $35 plus tip every other weekend! I will have to paint my own toes pretty. Bye-bye.

No more expensive lunches out for Stevie during the work week. He can pack his own brown bag like the rest of us...or eat at the hospital...for free. Adios.

No more impulse buying for things we simply don't need! Regardless of how bad I'm PMS-ing or the type of day I've just had. Later.

So, after calling the cable company to reduce our platinum package to silver, canceling our home phone service, placing my gym membership on hold, and discovering a buried check for almost $3,000 dollars...Steven and I thought we deserved a little celebration...at the Waterside shops. They were having an amazing sale at both Gap and Banana Republic and I remembered I had an incredible 30% of coupon tucked away in my wallet. After all, I needed some items for the girls' Easter baskets and with my new finanacial awareness, I felt content with my purchases. I think we should do this budget thing every weekend!

Key Biscayne

2009-03-09T19:41:00.000-04:00

I love when Steven has conferences and we tag along to enjoy a weekend away. I especially love when Steven has conferences at gorgeous beachside destinations in exclusive and pampering hotels where we are all able to indulge in the luxury for two whole days...for free!

Visit Venice Beach...you won't be sorry!

2009-03-05T19:33:00.000-05:00

she is unreal...really.

2009-03-03T12:56:00.007-05:00

kinsey prefers to fly under the radar. she doesn't like attention drawn to her when she does well on tests or assignments and reluctantly hands over her straight "A" filled report card only when it is demanded. she refuses to compete in swimming races because she doesn't want anyone to watch her. she absolutely detests if anyone witnesses a tear in the corner of her eye and quickly dries her baby blues when she thinks no one is watching. and the list goes on. but this past sunday...all eyes were on her. after setting off along the venice beach shoreline...pedaling furiously against the wicked winds the cold front brought us that morning...dodging the huge raindrops that pelted our faces and covered our skin in road dirt...she kept on. for thirty-five miles. over bridges with wind gusts over 25 miles per hour. with a fierce determination and not one whiney complaint. she is completely unreal. and i really, really love her.

An afternoon with my baby girl...

2009-02-22T19:09:00.005-05:00

I really, really, really wanted to go to the art show. But not enough to go it alone. And Steven was overwhelmed with yard work. And Kinsey was valiantly attempting to reduce her " Wii fit" age via yoga poses and balance games! So, as a last resort, I texted Alissa. As expected, she was having a blast hanging out with her friends and didn't want to abandon them for an afternoon browsing art. So, reluctantly, I gave up on the idea and settled into some overdue projects around the house. Then, while folding my third load of towels, Kinsey snuck up behind me (a very Kinsey thing to do) and said simply, "I'll go mom." And off we went. It was superb!

In honor of my baby girl, I am showing her favorite art pieces. As you can see, they were udderly awesome!

...and it's only February!

2009-02-21T18:40:00.002-05:00

The Smith calendar is practically booked for summer vacation (at least June and July)...and it's only February!

A quick rundown of the event's scheduled thus far:
June 7th...beach volleyball tournament in Hollywood Beach
June 8th through the 22nd...driver's education for Alissa
June 15th...beach volleyball tournament in Ft. Lauderdale
June 16th through the 21st...Kinsey's trip to Southwind with Wyldlife
June 17th...Kinsey's 13th birthday extravaganza
June 22nd...Steven's birthday/beach volleyball tournament in Delray Beach
June 29th...Alissa's 16th birthday celebration
July 2nd...foreign exchange student arrives from either Spain, Russia or Thailand
July 10th...Alissa gets her driver's license
July 11th through the 19th...Alissa's trip to Windy Gap with Younglife
July 20th...beach volleyball tournament in Delray Beach
July 22nd through the 25th...volleyball team camp
July 26th...family trip to Michigan

Although I truly reconize and value living in the moment...with so much fun and excitement planned, I can hardly wait for summer!

nothin' like em!

2009-02-20T18:48:00.000-05:00

"Miracles in velvet mittens;
Tumbled here,
A pile of kittens."

f is for...

2009-02-16T17:39:00.003-05:00

flowers...each and every one of them.

"Earth laughs in flowers." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

I need as many laughs as I can muster right now. Somehow their soft and fragrant petals remind me that happiness and brighter days are just around the corner.

Mytana

2009-02-15T15:43:00.003-05:00

I miss you.

In my minds eye I can still see you dropping your favorite toys (minus their squeakers) into the empty tub...over and over again...while I get ready each morning. Throughout the day, I expect to see you stretched out on the couch next to me...completely zonked out and snoring, feet twitching in a dream-induced run...as I watch t.v. When I get ready to leave the house for an errand, I can envision your look of anticipation...eagerly awaiting the sound of my urging to join me...and once in the car, I think I see you sitting proudly in the backseat...thrilled to be going anywhere at all. As I retreat to my room each evening, I still hear the light tapping of your claws on the wood floors as you follow me...to sneak onto the bed until Steve is ready for sleep...feeling the comfort of your weight by my side.

Goodbye Tana Girl. I love you.
And I miss you...terribly.

Switcheroo

2009-02-08T14:56:00.003-05:00

Sometimes I get a little urge...and that little urge turns into a bigger nudge...and that little nudge turns into a full-fledged plan...and poor Steve just sighs, pulls out his wallet (along with the hair that he has left!) and lets me have my way. Boy, do I love this man for indulging me...even if he grumbles to himself every step the way...and those grumbles turn into louder gripes...and those gripes become boisterous complaints...I can now rest easy until another urge strikes!

This weekend I asked him to switch out all of the guest room furniture, replace Alissa's bed with the guest room bed, and reorganize the guest room into a media room mecca where all the teens would come to hang out! (See...my urges usually have good intentions!)

I owe him big time!

Fribernation

2009-02-06T11:10:00.000-05:00

I have created a new word...one that captures the feeling I seem to get most Friday afternoons after another busy week of work, crammed schedules and stress is finally behind me. Let me explain. For whatever reason, I love (and need) to just hide away for two to three hours every Friday afternoon...ignoring the phone, curling up on my bed and losing myself in bad t.v. Steven (bless him!) usually takes the reins each Friday afternoon making sure the girls are fed and transported to where ever their plans take them. Yup...Fribernation!

d is for...

2009-02-02T20:42:00.004-05:00

I'm so excited to start A-Z Monday! Thanks to my forever friend for the inspiration!

Without further adieu...here goes:

D is for Dustpan.

I love my dustpan. No, really...I do. I love when someone breaks a glass in the kitchen or drops some potato chip crumbs onto the floor so that I can rush to the garage to retrieve my handy-dandy dustpan. For whatever reason, I really, really enjoy cleaning up these little messes and confining them to the blue collection tray. I know, I know...get a life! But, this simple little task makes me feel happy and satisfied. So, D is definitely for Dustpan!

On Sunset

2009-02-01T13:16:00.004-05:00

I always comes back to sunset.
A bigger presence will forever be found there.
While enjoying the gathering onlookers.
Smiling at the little ones digging.
Witnessing each day's departure.
In awe.
Those few magical minutes hold such promise.

yesterday

2009-02-01T12:52:00.004-05:00

“For yesterday and for all tomorrows, we dance the best we know.” ~Kate Seredy
"I am what I am today because of the choices I made yesterday." ~Steven R. Covey
"Yesterday...all my troubles seemed so far away..." ~The Beatles

My Tour de Cure Family

2009-01-27T20:42:00.005-05:00

For just about four years now I have wanted to complete the Tour de Cure. Since the last big fund-raising ride I completed in Lake Tahoe (100 miles and $4,400!!!!) almost three years ago, I have had an enormous urge to ride for my dad.

Because...

As far back as I can remember my dad has had Type I diabetes. I remember being taught how to inject an orange with his insulin using a practice bottle filled with water...making certain that I employed the correct technique...carefully checking that there were no air bubbles in the syringe...purposefully puncturing the tough peel and delivering the required dosage.
I also remember feeling absolutely terrified that at some point I may actually be required to put this knowledge into practice and administer the life-saving medication to my dad.
I remember learning how to recognize both low and high blood sugars via his behavior and then remaining hypervigilant when he seemed in any way "out of sorts."
I remember conversations with my dad about his disease and how it would probably affect him and his body over time.
I remember him sharing with me that he probably would die much younger than other fathers.
And I remember having to prepare myself mentally and emotionally for him leaving me too soon.

I want to prevent someone else from similar memories. I want to make sure my dad outlives his predictions. I want to do my part to help find a cure for this difficult, horrible and chronic disease.

So...in just four short weeks, Steven, Alissa, Kinsey and I will be doing just that!

Together, Kinsey, Steven and I will be cycling together for sixty miles along Casperson Beach in Venice, Florida while Alissa volunteers at the sign-in tables.
Together, all four of us will be raising much needed money for a cause very near and dear to my heart.

And with my dad cheering us on, together, we will make some new memories.

In love with my best friend

2009-01-25T12:31:00.005-05:00

Have you ever had to pinch yourself when you think about just how lucky you are? Out of the billions of men on the planet I was fortunate enough to find and marry my best friend.

The man who still makes me weak in the knees...and makes my heart skip a beat.
The husband who continues to work on our marriage every single day...even when I'm being difficult.
The father who adores his girls enough to make them his first priority...always.
The protector who ensures my health and safety...without fail.
The romantic who continues to surprise me with the creative ideas that tumble around in his huge heart...just for me.
The confidant who is a soft place to land when I need to vent and sort out my clutter...every single time I need him.

I'm surprised my arms aren't black and blue from the bruises...because I pinch myself so often.

No Title

2009-01-24T19:29:00.005-05:00

Surrounding myself with people who are full of integrity, honesty and compassion has become a mission. There was a time, not so long ago, when I got off course...I think I must have misplaced my compass for a while. Now I am refocused because I realize how and with whom I spend my time is a responsibility to be taken seriously. If I am investing my precious time with others, outside of my immediate family, I must be certain that those people are, in fact, honorable. As the old saying suggests, "You are the company you keep." For a time, I questioned this saying...went against my better judgement...tried to go against my grain...and suffered for it. After a great deal of heartache along with a liberal dose of some internal name-calling, I'm back on track. A recent trip to the Saturday morning open market with just such people has helped to steer me back in the right direction.

My Florida

2009-01-24T11:29:00.003-05:00

It's taken nearly 18 years to accept Florida as my home. Sure, my beautiful girls were born here, I own my little personal piece of paradise, and I will probably never live anywhere else...but, it never truly felt like my home...the kind of home that evokes feelings of comfort, peace and belonging. Somehow I've always felt somewhat like a visitor and this was just a short stop along my journey. I guess since my parents split, I've always felt like something of a drifter...not quite fitting perfectly anywhere. Sure, my parents (and step-mom) have done their best to keep me close, but I don't have a family home to return to, and I never will. It doesn't necessarily make me sad but it does allow me (when I let it) to feel less attached, less secure, like somehow my tenuous hold to this earth will be taken from me at any moment. But, each day I send my roots a little deeper. No longer am I like the stunning majestic palms that welcome me home daily...whose roots run right along the surface. I'm more like the sturdy oak that continues to weave its way deeper and deeper into the ground. I am finally allowing the sandy soil on which I've built my life to truly soak into my soul...and I'm relieved.

Key Largo

2009-01-14T15:39:00.010-05:00

It's taken me what feels like eons to get back into some sort of routine since the holidays departed...but finally I seem to have established a comfortable rhythym once again. Now when I feel tortured by the never ending list of to-do's on my list or discouraged by the hours spent in my car racking up the miles carting teenagers all around town, I pull up these pictures on the computer...and recharge. They remind me of exactly why I do all the monontonous tasks that I do each and every day...how all of the time spent engaged in those mundane and busy chores make these precious stolen moments even sweeter.