feeling emotional this morning. but, good emotional. a catharsis of sorts. so, i thought i would write about it. assign words to my feelings. so, i poured a fresh cup of chai, lit my candles, settled into the cushion of my bar stool and just let it flow. right now i'm making a pinky promise with myself that i won't go back and edit...because this is what i intended when first starting this blog...to live unfettered. so, i'm breaking the damn chains. and this is what i came up with.
a few months ago she stripped away my defenses. maybe i was ready. maybe i recognized it was from the heart. maybe it was God intervening because He knew it was time. doesn't matter. i've known her since she was seventeen and always felt like that older sister. and like sisters sometimes do, there were disagreements and hurts and jealousies between us. but i let those fester and linger and tear me up until i shut down and turned off the feelings. what's worse i gave myself permission to turn my hurt into meanness and didn't recognize who i allowed myself to be. and that felt horrible. and for that i am not proud. taking responsibility is the only option...along with asking for forgiveness...and thankfully both He and she granted it. and once those walls were removed i quickly discovered those feelings of concern and love never went away at all...i just suffocated them and in turn strangled my own ability to give, forgive and just be. so i've learned and i've grown and i'm trying. and while it may take months, or even years, to get to that place where we once were, it's okay. i know that i want what's best for her and she wants what's best for me. and for now, that's enough.
